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What NOT to do during "Return of the King".

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"

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Virginia Arrests Man for Spam Email Under New Law

Virginia Attorney General Jerry Kilgore said Jeremy Jaynes had been arrested earlier Thursday in Raleigh, N.C., on four counts of using fraudulent means to transmit spam.

Kilgore told a news conference that officials were in negotiations for the surrender of a second man, Richard Rutowski, on the same charges. ..

"ATTENTION SPAMMERS: Did you know that if you take a toy gun, and paint over the little fluorescent ring on the end with black paint, or if you dip a water gun in black paint, or if you just carve a potato into the shape of a gun and apply black shoe polish, your surrender can be negotiated much more quickly and efficiently.

Simply opt in to any one of these three easy options, and then run directly towards law enforcement officers while holding your black-colored gun-shaped object. For additional efficiency, scream as loud as you possibly can that you have "just one more free offer to send out" while running towards aforementioned law enforcement officers.

This public service announcement on proper surrender techniques for spammers has been brought to you by the approximately one billion email users of Planet Earth. "

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HEADS UP
Peter Jackson to do the Hobbit?

News.com.au is reporting that New Line Cinema is currently in talks to purchase the rights to the film adaptation of The Hobbit. There are apparently some difficulties with getting the go ahead from Tolkien's son Christopher, who is executor of the estate. When asked if New Line has approached him about the project, Jackson said he has not ruled it out, but not until after King Kong is done. 'New Line, which spent $US300million ($415 million) making the films, is already planning to continue its Rings success with an adaptation of Tolkien's novel The Hobbit. More difficulties with the Tolkien estate were looming, said Jackson, who added that he would be keen to get involved after he finishes remaking King Kong in 2006. "New Line haven't actually talked to me about The Hobbit. I know there's difficulty about the rights, certainly if they want to talk to me about it I'd be keen," he said.'

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